Mary Lim

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

pp: comments

hey saraa, 
looove your marki keep wanting to connect the two A's though
for your artist statement: 
The opening is very provocative and controversial. It draws me into the rest of the bio, however, "puritan" has a religious connotation and may turn off some readers. This may be just me, so maybe ask around about the opening sentence? I noticed that you say "I'm part..." So maybe in the beginning you can start with, "There are three parts that form who I am," and then go into each part. The sentence starting with "Constantly feeling the emotional tug..." is a fragment, so I would revisit it and make it into a full sentence. As I kept reading, the second half of the bio seems more like a list than a complete thought, so I would try to weave those sentences together more fluidly.  
your cover letter: In the beginning, maybe you could be more specific with what stood out to you during the Hallmark studio tour. The more specific you are in this section, the more they'll see how receptive you were to how they work. Also, what does this mean "research from translation to product application"? It's probably because I don't know what translation is, but maybe be more clear here? I would also not put Urban Outfitters in parenthesis, maybe just put a comma. At the end, instead of "thank you for your attention," maybe change "attention" to "time" instead, because it sounds like you just finished a speech or a presentation
Overall, I like how you talk about traveling, which your resume also reflects. I think some unique things about you is your lateral way of thinking. You always seem to think of ideas that are not immediately obvious. Your strength is also collaboration, which you talk about. I think you could speak more about how you work well with others because of how you traveled and got to know different people of different cultures.

very thorough and detailed cover letter!
some suggestions:Maybe begin the letter with how Sam Small suggested this internship to you. It will peak their interest from the beginning. Also, maybe stay away from words like "amazing" and "brave" because it seems like you're flattering them, haha. I would just tone it down a bit in the first paragraph (just my opinion, if you disagree you should just keep it). 
in the next paragraph, i would not list your skills again because you already mentioned it in your resume. I do think talking about Metaphy was smart, I would leave that in. 
instead of directly saying "i'm an exciting person to be around," maybe give an example. Try showing that you're exciting, instead of writing it out. 
overall, good!
for your resume: i would not give equal emphasis to your education, experience, and recognition. The thing employers most want to see is your experience, so maybe make that section the largest. Education can be small, it does not need to take up much space on the page. Also, this may be a typo: Expected 5.2016? Other than that, looks good. 
for design philosophy, instead of saying "To Myles...," maybe say "According to Myles..." Also, don't forget the comma. 
Overall good work!

No comments:

Post a Comment